Gift of the Card/Transcript

	Scene opens at the Better Than Nothing Apartments complex.
Miss Heinous	Thanks for meeting us here today, Rasticore. We had a problem with some rogue princesses which I hope you can help us with.
Rasticore	[growls]
Heinous	[hands him a photo of Star and Marco] Destroy the blonde one, but bring the dark-haired one to me.
	Rasticore turns on a tracking device. It shows him a map of the United States, and an indicator light blinks in southern California. He then attempts to start his dimensional chainsaw.
Rasticore	Ugh. Gimme a break. Stupid.
Heinous	Do-Do you...
Rasticore	Workin' on it!
	The chainsaw finally starts, and Rasticore creates a portal by which he exits.
Gemini	Oh, Miss Heinous. I cannot wait to recapture our former glory. It has been a long time since I last ate. [stomach rumbles]
Heinous	Indeed. [walks to kitchen] Here. Take this. The last of our savings. [pulls out some bills from the cookie jar]
Gemini	Oh, you're so generous, Miss Heinous. Finally, some little food for my mouth.
Heinous	It's not for food you fool. It's for my hair. Miss Fairol's number 112. Golden brown. And bring back a receipt!
	Scene changes to the Diaz's house.
Star Butterfly	[laughs]
Janna	[looking in wallet] "Billie's Ballet Shoe Emporium. Our discounts are on pointe." Marco, why do you even have this?
Marco Diaz	For your information, they are incredibly comfortable to wear around the house. What are you guys doing looking through my wallet anyway? [no answer] Can't a guy get any privacy?
Star	Nope.
Janna	Hey, what's with this weird card? It's all shaky.
Star	Let me see that. [card in hand] Hey, this is the Quest Buy gift card I got for you, Marco. I can't believe you haven't used it yet. I got this for our six-month friendship-aversary so you could get yourself something special. If you don't use it, it'll expire.
Marco	Look, Star, it's not that I don't appreciate it, okay? It's just that the last time I went to Quest Buy, I almost got killed.
Star	But Marco, it expires tonight. Come on! [whimpers]
Marco	[sighs] Fine. Let's go.
Star	Yay. Perfect! [opens portal] We'll be back in a bit Janna.
Janna	Laters.
	In Quest Buy
Star	Alright, let's get you the perfect gift!
Marco	Oh no.
Star	See anything you like? [gasps] Look. There's a Skullaroid camera. Takes pictures specifically of ghosts.
Marco	Uh, I don't think so.
Star	Ooh, how about some spooky haunted garden gnomes?
Marco	Ugh, look at all this stuff. This is exactly why I do not like shopping. I can never make up my mind.
Star	Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy there, Mr. Picky Pants. Luckily, we got until midnight.
	Back at the Diaz's house, Janna eats some Gold'n crips. Rasticore opens a portal into the house.
Rasticore	Tell me where Princess Star and Princess Marco are located.
Janna	Uh, loud. They went to Quest Buy.
Rasticore	The one near the galactic vortex, or the one with the big parking lot? [pulls out tracking device] Never mind. I found them. [tries to start his chainsaw] Come on. [exits]
Janna	Why did you even ask if you already knew?
	Back at Quest Buy, Star's wand watch gives out a meow.
Star	Ooh, that's getting a little too close for comfort. Marco, I don't mean to rush you, but it's been hours. If you don't find something soon, the card will expire and go to waste.
Marco	You know it's hard for me to shop in public. Plus, I'm just not that into Quest Buy gear.
Star	Ugh, Marco! That have literally everything in the universe here. There has to be something you want. Please!! Hurry up!!
Marco	If you're going to rush me, then I'll just buy some piece of junk now, and come back to exchange it later, okay?
	The Quest Buy gift card flies out of his pocket.
Marco	Huh?
	The card fires a laser at Marco's hand, and he drops the product he was holding.
Marco	What the heck⁈
Star	[laughs] Oh, yeah. That. I may have forgotten to mention that this is a "friends to the end" gift card. You have to truly, deeply want the item you spend it on, or else it won't work.
Marco	Star, why would you give me a card like that?
Star	Because I wanted to get you something you really liked.
Marco	[sighs] Okay. Fine. Just, uh, nothing in this section.
Chicken in a bottle	Good, 'cause I don't like you either.
Marco	I see why you're on sale.
	The card hums ominously over Marco.
Marco	Alright, alright. Ugh.
Star	How about this?
Marco	No, no.
Star	How about this?
Marco	Too gaudy.
Star	How about one of these?
Marco	Another keychain? I'll pass.
Star	Oh, how about one of these?
Marco	Uh, maybe. Nah.
Star	How about this? [holds a sweater]
Marco	Ugh. Star, you know the neck is gonna stretch out on that.
	The gift card zaps Marco again.
Marco	Ow! Alright, alright. I'm sorry, but I really can't decide under this kind of pressure. Maybe we can get an extension on the card.
Star	Well, we can try.
	Star walks up to a store worker's comfortable
Star	Excuse me. I have a question.
Worker	Not my department.
Star	But you're customer service.
Worker	Oh, yeah. We really need to ditch that sign. Fine. How can I help you?
Star	Is there any way we can extend the expiration date on this card?
Worker	Shouldn't be a problem. [he scans it] Uh, you know what? No. This is a "friends to the end" gift card. It's not only impervious to change, but when it expires, so do you.
Marco	What⁈ Like, we die?
Worker	Geez. Everyone's gotta die some time. This just guarantees that you'll die sooner. It's all here in the contract your friend signed. If you don't use it by midnight, zap, ha ha. Both of you get blasted into oblivion.
Marco	Zap?! Tell me again, Star. Why did you get me a card like this?
Star	I didn't know. I never read the fine print.
Marco	Always read the fine print Star. I mean look at this contract.
	The contract, floating in the air besides him, is dark purple with bat-like wings.
Star	There's gotta be something we can do.
Worker	Nope. Sorry, dude. Um, dudes. You know, seeing as there's only a few hours left, you better go find something you really like.
	Star and Marco run back into the aisles, screaming. Rasticore opens a portal into the store, though he struggles to get through it.
Worker	Uh, yes, before you ask, this is not my...
	Rasticore blasts the worker with a quick laser.
Worker	Ow.
	Scene jumps back to Star. Her wand meows again.
Star	Oh no. Ten minutes to midnight.
Marco	We're toast.
	The Quest Buy gift card loudly charges up with electricity, turning into a large humanoid figure.
Card	Activating expiration mode.
Star	Shooting star explosion!
	The spell is absorbed by the card.
Card	Enough nonsense. Choose your gift. Your life depends on it. Commencing countdown to your expiration date. You have ten minutes.
	Star and Marco scream some more.
Star	See anything you like Marco?
Marco	No.
Card	Nine minutes until expiration.
Star	What about gourmet hair gel?
Marco	No.
Card	8.5 minutes until expiration.
Marco	Who designed this card⁈
Star	Why do you have to be so picky?
Marco	I'm not picky. I'm just... highly selective. Wait, Star. Hold on.
	Marco approaches a large sign that says "Your Secrets are Safe with Me." There is a wallet on display
Marco	The ultimate in privacy. It's even my favorite color. And a thumbprint privacy setting [laughs].
Star	Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. [opens case] It's yours Marco. Get it, get it, get it out.
Marco	[straining] It's stuck.
Card	Sorry sir. That's a display model.
	Marco and Star take off, screaming and running again.
Star	We gotta get the Quest Buy sloth employee to help us.
	They run by a worker's lounge. Two sloths are enjoying what appears to be break time. Star and Marco pound on the window outside.
Star	Stand back.
	Star blasts the glass wall open.
Star	My friend Marco needs one of your privacy wallets.
Worker	Uh, well, I am on my break, but, sure, let me check.
Marco	Can you see if they have it in plum?
Worker	Uh, sorry. Looks like we're out of stock.
Marco	No. It can't be.
Card	One minute to expiration.
Star	This is all my fault. I should've let you know there was an expiration date. [sobs] And I wasn't being lazy when I bought that thing, I promise. I genuinely thought you would love to pick out what you wanted.
Card	Sorry. Did you mean jeans pig unwanted?
Marco	I know a lot of this wouldn't have happened if I was easier to shop for.
Card	Okay, I will search for cheesier mop store.
Marco	Let's hug, so when they find our charred skeletons, they'll know we were friends.
Card	Sorry. There was zero results for snow made worm pants.
Marco	Wait! I know what I want! [to workers] Hey, there's only one thing in this whole stinkin' store that I could ever want. Star's my best friend, and friendship is the greatest gift I could ever receive.
Worker	You need to pick something you can purchase from the store.
Marco	Well, it was worth a shot.
Star	It was sweet Marco.
Card	Preparing to honor expiration.
Star	Good-bye Marco.
Marco	Good-bye Star.
	Rasticore comes jumping through the ceiling, tackling the card's figure.
Rasticore	[mumbling] Where are the stairs in this place? [to Star and Marco] Princesses, my name is Rasticore Chaosus Disastervaine. Miss Heinous sent me. Prepare to ...
	Rasticore is electrocuted as the card rematerializes.
Card	Invalid entry. Expiration imminent.
Worker	Hold it. We do have have one more privacy wallet in stock.
Star + Marco	[cheer]
Worker	Only, sorry. We don't have it in plum. Just, we have it in, um, Prussian blue.
Marco	[sobbing] Oh, it's perfect. Prussian blue is my favorite color. Even more than plum.
Worker	Sheesh. So dramatic.
Card	Good doing business with you sir. Contract obligation fulfilled.
	The card turns back into a card and the worker picks it up, scans it, and throws it out.
Worker	Well, that completes your transaction. Have a good day sir.
Star	We found you the perfect friendship gift!
	Back at the Diaz's house
Star	What is with this thing? How the heck are you even supposed to open this?
Janna	Yeah. Let me see that.
Marco	Nice try, ladies. Its thumbprint lock will allow no man or magical creature to ever break into...
Janna	Got it.
Marco	Janna, get out of town!
Star	How did you do that Janna?
Janna	I got Marco's thumbprint. In fact, I've got all of your sensitive information, Marco.
Marco	[screaming] Get outta town!!
	Scene changes back to Miss Heinous' apartment.
Gemini	Delivery from Quest Buy, milady. But I wouldn't open it. You're not going to like it.
Heinous	Oh, well, then there are two things in this room I don't like.
	Miss Heinous opens the box. Inside lies Rasticore's hand and tracking device.
Heinous	Rasticore! I'll get you, Princess Marco.
Gemini	I'm sorry. What's the other thing you don't like?