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Mr. Candle Cares/Transcript

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(Theme song)
Episode begins inside Echo Creek Academy, at the Guidance Counselor's office
Oskar Mr. Candle said I'm gonna be a musician.
Other Student Sweet. I got champion swimmer. I was gonna get dressed, but now I don't need to.
Marco Diaz Wow. Everyone's getting really awesome careers.
Star Butterfly I can't wait to find out what my future holds. [nervous laughter]
Mr. Candle Star Butterfly. Please sit
Star Okay
Candle Help yourself to some candy.
Star No, thank you. I'm just really excited to have my fortune told. How do you do it? Read palms? Converse with the dead? Examine head lumps?
Candle Nope. Just normal guidance counselor stuff. Have you given much thought to your future?
Star Totally. When I grow up, I wanna raise warnicorns [spawns a warnicorn]
Candle Well, that seems like a fun hobby but you might not have much time for hobbies as the queen of Mewni.
Star [warnicorn neighs] Queen?
Candle I may not know your fortune, but your future is set in stone.
Star Stone?
Candle Are you dating anyone?
Star What? Uh, no.
Candle What about that Marco boy? Got a secret crush on him?
Star He's my roommate. We're just friends.
Candle Yeah, that's weird to date your roommate. Maybe someone else then. It's never too early to start searching for the future king of Mewni.
Star Maybe
Candle Cheer up Star. Or should I say, Your Majesty?
Star Hmm.
Star leaves the counseling office
Marco So how'd it go? [Star walks by him] Or we can catch up later.
Marco is now in the counseling office.
Candle Mr. Diaz. I've been very anxious to speak to you.
Marco Seen my test scores, have you?
Candle Indeed.
Sometime later
Marco Garbage Island⁈ What's the use of taking honors classes if it gets you sent to the middle of nowhere?
Star So don't go. At least you have a choice. Apparently, the only thing in my future is being queen.
Marco Oh, man, I'd love to be queen. You never have to think about what to wear; you have somebody do that for you.
Star [groans]
Marco People would just love you because they have to, no matter how weird you are.
Star [groans]
Marco You never have to bathe alone.
Star Marco, please stop talking.
Mr. Candle visits the men's restroom
Marco Head janitor, Garbage Island.
Star [sighs]
Marco enters the restroom and hears a plopping sound
Marco I'll come back later.
A fiery explosion in one of the stalls causes Marco to investigate. He finds that it's caused by Candle dumping some mysterious substance into the toilets.
Candle All right sir, phase one is complete. What's next? Sir, are you there?
Tom's face appears in the toilet's water
Tom You idiot! You forgot the most important part. Me!
Candle I got confirmation. Starco is completely platonic.
Marco Starco?
Tom Make sure there's no possibility of them ever being a thing.
Candle Absolutely, sir.
Tom Also, stop offering everyone candy. You're gonna blow my cover. I want her back.
Candle I gotta go.
Tom I'm not done.
Candle No. You don't understand. [puts his hands over his pants] I gotta go.
Tom Flush me first.
Later, Mr. Candle enters his office whistling
Marco Hey Mr. Candle.
Candle [startled] Oh, hello Marco.
Marco I appreciate all your guidance with Garbage Island and all, but I'm gonna pass [throws Garbage Island flyer into trashcan, misses]. Actually, I was just thinking I might be king of Mewni.
Candle [spluttering his drink] What⁈
Marco The thing is, Star and I have recently become smooch buddies. On the lips.
Candle Even if that's true kid, you shouldn't say that out loud.
Marco Yeah, we've been trying all styles. German, Italian, Polynesian. My tongue is so tired, I can't feel my teeth.
The cat-shaped candy bold explodes into a pillar of flame, revealing Tom.
Tom [ferocious growl]
Marco Busted. I knew you weren't a guidance counselor.
Tom grabs Marco by the collar.
At the Diaz's house, Star reads a magazine about being a queen.
Star Oh. These women look so miserable. [sighs heavily, goes to her mirror]
Mirror Calling Mom
Queen Butterfly What did you do?
Star What... nothing! Yet. I'd like to ask you something. Are you happy?
Queen Happy? What difference does that make?
Star I mean, I don't know. Do you have any warnicorns?
Queen Goffrey, do I have any warnicorns?
Goffrey You have 19, Your Majesty.
Queen Oh. Apparently I have 19.
Star Oh, sweet.
Queen But when you are queen, you don't have time for warnicorns.
Star Oh.
Queen Everything I'm saying is in your guide book. Incidentally, you may want to review the chapter on hair care.
Star [brushes her hair sadly]
Queen If you're going to be queen, you have to look the part. Don't worry so much about happiness. It makes you look pale. Love you. Bye.
Star stares comprehensively at her guide book for a while
Star Hmm.
She smiles as she gets out a hair trimmer and turns it on
The scene switches back to Marco, now in Tom's lair. He is being vertically spun on some kind of torture device.
Marco Stop! I knew you were listening. I never made out with Star.
Tom [snaps; the wheel stops spinning]
Marco I just said that to get your goat.
Skull on wall what?
Tom You lied to me.
Marco Well, you lied to Star. You made her think all she's good for is being queen.
Tom frowns and walks away from Marco
Marco Dude, just take me home.
Tom snaps again, which releases Marco in to a tub of water.
Tom I can't do that; you know too much. Now I gotta destroy you.
Marco What⁈ That's not fair.
Tom All right, fine. Battle to the death. I win, you die.
Marco What do I get if I win?
Tom [laughs] It's not gonna happen. So, yeah, ask for whatever you want.
Marco If I win, you gotta take me home, and you gotta tell Star the truth.
Tom Fine. Pick your weapon. Dueling battle axes? Rhino fiend joust? Pear grenades of anguish?
A pear shrieks and explodes.
Marco [pointing elsewhere] What about ping-pong?
Tom [shrugs] That's cool.
Monster [holds out a basket full of paddles] Your weapon of choice, my liege.
Marco I oughta warn you, I'm not only a karate master, I'm also good at ball sports.
Marco serves the ball to Tom, who smacks it so hard that it breaks Marco's paddle and injuries his hand.
Marco Ow!
Monster Point, Master Tom.
Marco [grabs another paddle] Okay, so I'm a little rusty. Wait till you... hi-yah!
Marco surprise serves the ball, Tom smacks it and once again breaks Marco's paddle.
Marco Owww!
Scene switches back to Star. She tears a poster of a queen off the wall, puts on eye liner, lipstick, skull stickers, spiked arm bracelets. She also intentionally tears her pants and grabs a battle axe.
Scene returns to Marco's ping-pong game.
Monster Game point.
Tom serves the ball rather slowly
Marco [swinging furiously] In your face!
Tome easily bounces the ball back, and it smacks Marco in the forehead.
Marco Ow! Ugh! Since when do ping-pong balls hurt so much?
Tom These balls are guided by demons.
Marco Okay. Let's play for real this time. Double or nothing.
Monster Dude, you're out of paddles, just give up.
Tom No, it's fine. Here, you can have mine [throws it at Marco]
Marco Ugh!
Tom I don't need it [levitates ball with finger]
Marco ducks as the ball barely misses his head and cause a huge dent in an arcade machine.
Marco Hey! Isn't this kind of cheating?
Tom You think this is cheating? You should try playing Star at ping-pong.
Marco Well, Star doesn't really cheat, she just makes up her own rules.
Tom And then she changes the rules again halfway through the game.
Marco Oh, so that's why I never win.
Tom She just does whatever she wants.
Marco Yeah, that's Star.
Tom Yeah. She is kinda awesome. [brief silence] You know you're never gonna win, right?
Marco I know, but you're not either. It doesn't matter if you beat me at ping-pong or pull out all my organs. You can't make Star be your girlfriend unless she wants to.
Scene changes to the Diaz's house. A torrent of flame delivers Marco back.
Marco Star, I have something to tell...
Marco notices Star has totally changed her appearance to be more punk.
Marco Whoa.
Star Oh hey Marco. Did you know that if you cut off a mermaid's tail, you can never be queen? It's all in the guide book.
Marco Star, you don't have to do that.
Star Oh, thank goodness. I'm so sorry Tiffany; I never wanted to hurt you.
Marco Shameful [Tom walks in].
Star Tom! What's going on?
Tom I have something I need to confess. I used Mr. Candle to try to get back together with you, and it took me destroying Marco 58 games to zero to realize I was wrong. Like, I slaughtered him. I mean, beating him was so easy.
Marco Okay, she gets it.
Tom All I wanted was to get you back, but I never stopped to consider what you wanted. I'm sorry.
Star smile and punches Tom aggressively in the chest.
Tom Ow!
Star You tricked me, but it doesn't even make a difference. I'm still gonna be queen.
Marco Yeah, but that doesn't sound like a bad thing because you're gonna run Mewni your way, no matter how destructive.
Star That's true [throws the guide book away and creates another warnicorn, hugs Marco]
Monster Point Marco.
Tom [Sadly] Well, I should go. by the way, I like your hair.
Star smiles, Tom levitates himself back in to the elevator, descending down to the underworld.
Star So you guys were hangin' out?
Marco Uh, yup.
Star Is he still dark and broody?
Marco Oh yeah, but he's not so bad.
Scene changes back to the counseling office
Candle No Brittany, I don't believe your life has peaked at such a young age.
Tom [burst in to room via flame] Dude, abort the mission; we're done.
Candle [whistles, opens window, and flies away on a file cabinet]
ved Star vs. the Forces of Evil Episode Transcripts
Season 1
Star Comes to EarthParty With a PonyMatch MakerSchool SpiritMonster ArmThe Other Exchange StudentCheer up StarQuest BuyDiaz Family VacationBrittney's PartyMewbertyPixtopiaLobster ClawsSleep SpellsBlood Moon BallFortune CookiesFreeze DayRoyal PainSt. Olga's Reform School for Wayward PrincessesMewnipendance DayThe Banagic IncidentInterdimensional Field TripMarco Grows a BeardStorm the Castle
Season 2
My New Wand!Ludo in the WildMr. Candle CaresRed BeltStar on WheelsFetchStar vs. Echo CreekWand to WandStarstruckCamping TripStarsittingOn the JobGoblin DogsBy the BookGame of FlagsGirls' Day OutSleepoverGift of the CardFriendenemiesIs MysteryHungry LarrySpider With a Top HatInto the WandPizza ThingPage TurnerNaysayaBon Bon the Birthday ClownRaid the CaveTrickstarBabyRunning with ScissorsMathmagicThe Bounce LoungeCrystal ClearThe Hard WayHeinousAll Belts are OffCollateral DamageJust FriendsFace the MusicStarcrushed

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